02.02.10
Posted in What is on my mind at 6:06 am by Administrator
There are times when I ask myself what I am supposed to be doing with my life. It doesn’t seem to matter what I am doing, how I am feeling, or how things seem to be going. I’m not very sure of myself a lot of the times, and even when I am sure of myself I still wonder.
I have dreams, lots of them. I have things I want to do. I have goals for my life and I expect a lot out of myself. But even when things in my life are beautiful. I still wonder what I am supposed to be doing with my life.
If I were to say that I lost interest in life, I would be lying. If I were to say that I have stopped caring about all the things that my life has been built on, that would make me a liar. And I am not interested in dishonesty. I have made it my mission to be honest. I want to be known as genuine.
But today it sort of feels like all my dreams are swirling around in my head and I am drowning in these things I call my goals. I feel like I have stepped in mud, my desire is still here, it just feels like it is seeping out of me through my toes. Like somehow, in the middle of finding my life, I lost part of who I am again.
How does this happen? How is it that I have all this energy, all this madness in me, and cant bring myself to move? Its like looking through a glass window at the stillest water, reflecting the most beautiful scenery, the perfect glowing sunlight shining in just the right places. And not smelling the scent of the earth, not touching the grass and water, not feeling the warmth of the sun.
Where does it all go? Why cant I reach it? Futile, like trying to touch the moon from the Eiffel tower.
Only, I don’t feel despair.
I still see the beauty of the scenery, take it in, still let it touch my heart. I still stretch out, and try to brush the luminescence with my fingertips. I still feel I could touch it, maybe if I stand on my tippy-toes next time I will.
Exhaustion comes quickly to me. Like my parents were right to stick me with a name that means ‘brush fire’ if you’re looking at the Hebrew. Flare up quickly, starts things, gets things going. Burns out in a few minutes if not fortified properly. That’s the Irish side of me, intense and passionate. Then again, maybe I should take my name and stop looking at myself through those lenses.
Deep in me, I feel like I could go on, under any circumstance, for as long as I have to. If I set my mind to it, or am properly challenged, I can do anything for as long as I want to. If I look at my name in Gaelic it means ’the heart of something that sustains.’ That’s the German part of me, stubborn.
Of course, there’s the side of me that doesn’t fit under any nationalities idea of my name, and doesn’t fit under my ethnicity. What are the French known for anyway…
If I look at myself, my life, my dreams. I find that I often begin things that I never finish. If I finish something, it is because the masses – or maybe a particular person of meaning – gathered behind me and encouraged me somehow. I start everything with gusto, and if I have the support I need the finished product is amazing. Always.
Little things bring me joy, make my heart light up, and make it easier for me to bunker down and wait out the hurricane, or step into the storm and battle with the wind. Small sparks. But small sparks die out.
I am not an island. I tend to be as if I am a tower unto myself, cold and stone.
Protecting the stillness and peace.
Which brings me back to the beginning. Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life. And as I am wondering, yet again, I am finding myself thinking about the legacy of the people from which I descend. And it occurs to me that I have a fourth ‘family’ running through my veins. Albeit, adoption hardly equals biological connection. However, in this instance – it does.
Someone was sacrificed on my behalf so that I could be part of this family. Not just any Someone either. I am not talking about any ordinary person, from some random or mixed-up lineage. I am talking about a person, who shared the same breathe as Creator God, that chose to give up what rightfully belonged to him. For me. With this in mind, mixed in with all the other thoughts is a new and overpowering thought.
Perhaps I lose sight of where I am going because sometimes I forget who I am. Not just my last name, not just the experiences that have shaped me, not just my German-French-Irish heritage. Sometimes I forget that I am the daughter of the King. Sometimes part of me looks lightly at the fact that I have been adopted into a family that is not bound by land, by lineage, by action or inaction, by imperfection…I have been ‘grafted’ into a family with a clear and meaningful purpose.
To love God.
And that gives me the answer I am looking for.
What is it that drives me to attempt great things. What is it that sustains me when I am so tired I cant hardly hold my head up. What is it that keeps me going when I feel like I have nothing left. Some would call it foolishness. Some call it faith. Forgiveness, Goodness, Love, I call it Grace…all belonging to God.
No matter what happens, no matter where things go from this moment. No matter what I do, whether I trip or run. No matter if the road is smooth, or it caves out from under me. No matter if I am tired, if I am feeling a little lost, or if I am full of life and energy. No matter what life has in store, I have a purpose. And not only this, but I have a place in the purpose.
Does it always matter what my place in the purpose is? I cant say that it does. Today, today I’ll be alright holding on to the reality that my lineage may be all mixed-up, but the key to my legacy lies in Someone greater than myself.
This could be my last opportunity
This could be the last time I
See your face
Hear your voice
Touch your heart
This could be my last moment on earth
This could be the last opening I have to
Begin a movement
Close a door
Change the world, anyone’s world
So I want to love like God would love
Love like I will never get another chance
Love like tomorrow will never come
Love like this moment is my last
Love like this is it
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01.23.10
Posted in Devotional Thoughts, First and Foremost, This is HAWE do church at 2:29 am by Administrator
“Watch what you say.” I found the phrase spilling out of my mouth without even thinking. Made me chuckle, the irony of asking someone to watch the words that were coming out of their mouth when I spoke without watching my own. Reality hit me in the very next instant. There is nothing laughable about the impact of a few un-thought words, nothing humorous about the destruction caused by things said out of place.
We all are guilty of speaking in ways that are not honoring to ourselves, in ways that are not respectful of others, with words that do not speak well of us in the end. Myself included. Truth be told, there is more to life than the words you say. And when it’s all said and done, you will be called in to account for what you do. But what about the words you use? How you present yourself with your words is almost as important as how you present yourself in action. Perhaps equally so.
As believers, we are called to allow God to transform us. To walk out of the remnants of who we used to be, and step into the freedom and forgiveness offered by grace.
Honesty is extremely important to me, even when it makes me look like the scum of the earth: which truth has been known to do, on several occasions. As a child I often got into ‘serious’ trouble a lot because of the words I used, and the tone I used them in. I had more than one experience where I was disciplined for using the wrong words, or the wrong tone, so I am often really careful about what I say and how I say it. But I am not perfect, and I would be lying if I claimed to always keep a mindful eye on my tongue and the intents of my heart. And sometimes, more often than I would like to admit, I represent myself or others in ways that are not true of who I am or they are. Because I do not always pay attention to how my words are coming out of my mouth.
As a writer, and frankly someone who often over thinks my words to the point of irritating others in conversation because I can be hesitant to speak at all, words are my world. But all the words in the world mean nothing if they do not come from a heart intent on grace, illuminating hope, and evidencing love. The truth is, my heart longs to show those around me that I am forgiven, free, created in God’s image as beautifully unique. Sometimes what I do doesn’t match what I say, and sometimes neither match who I am. It can be hard for me to recognize when what I do and the things I say don’t match who I am. And it is always a big pill to swallow when I realize those who hold me accountable are right to be annoyed, frustrated, and even hurt by this misrepresentation. In the end, I have to recognize that I am a representation of God’s handiwork. Both as part of God’s creation, and as a part of the body of Christ. And when I am not mindful of my tongue and actions, I am dishonoring God as much as those I love. In these times, I must humble myself and admit I am wrong, ask for forgiveness, and take myself to task. Putting myself at the mercy of those I have wronged, keeping a watch over my lips, and a microscope to my hands…
Psalm 15:1-5
LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?
He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman,who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the LORD, who keeps his oath even when it hurts, who lends his money without usury and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things will never be shaken.
(For further reading: Psalm 19:14, Titus 2:7-8, Ephesians 4:17-32, James 1:26-27)
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01.04.10
Posted in Devotional Thoughts, This is HAWE do church at 10:38 pm by Administrator
Belief is a powerful thing, cities and nations have been built on belief in something, and equally nations have fallen because of faulty beliefs. There is no denying the power of belief, the power of faith. Studies have shown that the power of a belief can save a life or destroy it. In the life of a Christ-follower, belief is pretty central to relationship with God.
A couple of days ago I was looking up something on you tube.com and came across the clip in Peter Pan where Tinker Bell is dying. I watched as the dying light of the poor little pixie ‘Tinker Bell,’ dwindling almost to the point of going out. As the characters, and the audience, ‘believed’ in her, Tinker Bell’s light was restored and she began to glow again, and all was eventually righted in Neverland. I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if Peter Pan or Wendy suddenly decided they didn’t believe.
I got to thinking and realized that somehow in my little egotistic way, I had decided that God responds to belief much in the same way as Tinker Bell. I was trying to believe harder, to make God do things for me. I was trying to believe more to make God take things away, or give them back. I think I even believed that perhaps if I gathered all the believers in one place, God would answer my belief in kind to my desires.
Scripture speaks to this of course, that God answers the prayers of the righteous and grants the desires of the hearts of those who follow after Him. In the same hand scripture doesn’t say that I can somehow strong-arm God into doing what I want or not doing what I don’t want. Scripture speaks that God will answer, that God will grant hearts desires. But throughout history and scripture alike it is very clear that belief in God doesn’t equal rainbow skies and pixie-dust.
I remember when my oldest brother was in the military, sometimes we didn’t know where in the world he was or what he was doing. Sometimes it was scary listening to the news because of this, and my mom would tell us all the time that she needed to believe that God would bring him home safely. Looking back, I think she meant something entirely different than how I took it. But to be honest, at the time I thought that she was saying that if she didn’t believe, God wouldn’t bring him home…
Tinker Bell was about to die. The unbelief was killing her, literally causing her light to go out. Belief stepped in like a lamp-lighter and rekindled her flame. If we are honest, most of us would have to admit that not only do we look at God as though He will do what we want if we just believe enough, we also will probably admit we think that if we don’t believe God will cease to have power or God‘s power will decrease.
Think about the last time you approached God with an issue. You placed it in God’s capable hands and said ‘your will be done’ right? If you are anything like me, you probably actually laid your concerns at God’s feet and then promptly picked them up again. What you actually said was ‘God, I believe that you will take care of this, but until you do I’ll believe with this in my hands.’
There’s two sides to this coin really, one is of mistrust. And the other is misplaced belief. You see, sometimes we use ‘belief’ as an veil for our mistrust of God. Sometimes we hide behind the idea that our belief will change something because we don’t believe God can do it in His own strength. Then there’s the other side. We have this horribly misplaced idea that God is somehow dependant on us. That somehow God needs us, that somehow the sun revolves around the earth.
But unlike human power, the power of God and Gods grace is not threatened or weakened by unbelief.
God is who God is. Regardless and aside from you or I. God’s grace is offered freely, covering the stains of humanity from the beginning to the end. God does not change because of you or I. As I love because God loved me first, so I believe because God has proven faithful. God has not failed, God is exactly who He claimed to be. The earth revolves around the sun, not the other way around.
“Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it. Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering. Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:1-8).”
I know this very wise man who once said that everything important in life boils down to what you do, or do not believe, about God and who He is in His very essence. Not because your belief, or lack thereof, makes any difference to what God is capable of. Simply because your belief determines how you interact with the world around you.
I don’t believe God into taking pain out of my life if it is in my life.
I don’t believe God into giving me what my heart desires most if it has not been given to me.
I don’t believe God into being more or less powerful.
God will show me what I am to learn through the pain that is allowed into my life.
God will align my hearts desires with the desires of God, and I will be blessed to partake in them.
God is as powerful as God is, and that God will never be less powerful or powerless.
I live my life to honor God, because I love God and because of who God is.
Tinker Bell got a second chance because Wendy and Peter Pan and their little clan didn’t give up.
But no amount of belief or unbelief will change who God is. This truth should change US.
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12.29.09
Posted in Life, Love, and Commitment, What is on my mind at 11:51 pm by Administrator
From my heart of hearts I promise…
I will love you with all I am, leaning on God’s hands and heart.
I will hold you in my heart, and seek your best no matter what comes our way.
I will respect you, your decisions, heart, and personhood without protest.
I will leave behind my scars, and come to you with open arms and an open heart.
I will provide for you and protect your body, heart, spirit and mind.
I will seek to deepen my relationship with God, and strive to reflect God’s heart and grace towards you.
I will tend to you, support and encourage you, and give you a place where your heart will be at home.
I will be here beside you, as long as God grants me life and blesses us to be together.
In honesty before God, I ask…
Will you love me, regardless of what I do, or how unlovable you feel?
Will you honor me, regardless of our circumstances?
Will you do your best to respect my requests and decisions, regardless of your desires?
Will you tend to my heart with all the gentleness required to care for a priceless treasure?
Will you keep your heart open to me as I keep my heart opened to you?
Will you do your best to follow after and honor God in every way, seeking God’s heart and guidance through every joy and sorrow?
Will you put aside independence and allow me to walk with you, support you, and encourage you through what is yet to come?
Will you give yourself to me and allow me to protect and treasure your heart, for as long as God grants you life and blesses us to be together?
Together, let us honestly seek each other’s best interest.
Let us lean on each other in adversity, celebrate each joy together, and follow after the heart of God.
Hand in hand, let us fall on grace when we find our love is not enough, weathering each storm in the palm of God‘s hand.
Bound by these promises, and in commitment to each other before God, let us embrace that we are no longer two but one.
Belonging to each other, in heart, mind, body, and name.
For as long as God grants us life, and blesses us to be together.
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Posted in What is on my mind at 11:50 pm by Administrator
I was listening to this song again today…. there’s just something about it…
I especially love the lines “I raised my hands as if to show you that I was yours, That I was so yours for the taking I’m so yours for the taking.” I’m sure if I really wanted to I could draw some sort of Christianeze connection between surrender to God and surrender to your love, but I think that this is a piece that we so often miss in our analogy and practice of relationship. Surrender. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually…putting our hands up and saying “here I am” like laying down our weapons, tearing down our boundary-walls, this is a piece that is so extremely essential. Giving those we choose to love the opportunity to tread in those places that have the ‘do not disturb’ signs posted in triplicate over iron clad doors and steal locks. Choosing the moment to lay down the things we use to protect ourselves, and allow another person close enough to touch, to heal, to become a part of us. Resting in the love found, honoring trust that the other person has your best in mind, and though sometimes it may be painful, opening yourself up and allowing the other person the option of being part of you. There’s just something beautiful and ‘whole’ about being able to lift your hands, with eyes closed, leaving yourself open and unarmed…giving the other the opportunity to come close, as close as anyone can.
-18th Floor Balcony-
I close my eyes and I smile
Knowing that everything is alright
To the core
So close that door
Is this happening?
My breath is on your hair
I’m unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand
And we stand
Just taking in everything.
And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we’re, we’re trying so hard not to fall asleep
But Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony…
We’re both flying away.
So we talked about mom’s and dad’s
About family pasts
Just getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can’t believe this is happening to me and,
I raised my hands as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I’m so yours for the taking and
That’s when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say and then you kissed me…here
And I knew from the start
So My arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we’re, we’re trying so hard not to fall asleep
But here we are
On this 18th floor balcony…
We’re both flying away
And I’ll try to sleep
To keep you in my dreams
‘Till I can bring you home with me
I’ll try to sleep
And when i do I’ll keep you in my…dreams
And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
And your head is on my stomach
And we’re, we’re trying so hard not to fall asleep
So here we are
On this 18th floor balcony…
And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
No…We’re not going to sleep, sleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor baclony…
We’re both flying away.
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11.30.09
Posted in First and Foremost, This is HAWE do church at 9:32 pm by Administrator
Familiar assumption (fə míllyər ə súmpshən):
1. That which is often encountered and believed without proof.
2. An inclination to expect more than is reasonable from that which is common or recurring.
3. The supposition of a person, belief, or philosophy due to the recurrence of that which is easily identified as part of the person, belief, or philosophy and may or may not be connected to the whole.
One of my pet peeves is people I don’t know talking to or at me like they know me.
For example, the idea that I am a conservative Christian just short of wearing long skirts and head coverings (nothing wrong with this at all) is a generally accepted idea by some. What proof do they give to support this supposition? My last name, and sometimes the fact that I was home schooled through grade twelve. Some holding this familiar assumption might be surprised to learn that I call myself a Christ-follower, that I rarely wear skirts, I cant stand things touching my head, and I don’t believe you have to take communion or be baptized to be saved. With the ‘proof’ that my biological father used to be a pastor, and that my biological siblings exceed a traditional dozen, some might assume that I either a approach life tentatively, or was in jail at some point for some kind of criminal mischief. They might be surprised that I take life by the horns, regardless of the fact that I have been bucked off the horse more than once. They also might be surprised to learn that I do not have any kind of criminal record, and my contact with law enforcement has largely been voluntary and employment related (with very few exceptions – none of them having anything to do with my personal choices or actions). On the same hand, the assumptions built around the fact that I currently am employed in social services are much more…entertaining. And nonetheless equally false.
What happens when we come to others with pre-conceived notions of who they are? Regardless of where our ‘proof’ comes from, or how ‘reliable’ our proof (or the proof-bearers) appear to be, how much of our view of reality is clouded by the ideas we concoct without proof from the person themselves?
A few years ago I made a conscious decision to put aside ‘familiar assumptions’ and try to hear without the bias of my preconceived notions. The little things I had allowed to shape my understanding of the conversation based on surface and secondary knowledge had gotten in the way of any kind of real relationship. The identity I built for each person was based on what I encountered about them regularly, and really had only served to imbed the idea that a person is limited to what they DO instead of who they ARE. I generally shaped an idea of a person on the knowledge I have of what their life was or is like, who they associate with, their employment situation, their family position, religious (or lack thereof) identity, et cetera. And while I realize all those things help to explain the character or choices of a person, each is skewed when approached outside the context of each persons heart.
I learned more than I realized, and relationships – real, healthy, and growing ones – were built because I let go of the ideas I had based on what I knew OF people. By kicking my ‘familiar assumptions’ of people out the door, I was able to come to them as they really are, as I really am, and meaningful connections were formed. Not only that: my familiar assumptions proved to be false even though they had tiny pieces of truth in them.
Familiar assumptions are just that. Assumptions we make of things we see or encounter every day. Thing is, the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg that was predicted to simply be a floating chunk of ice. What relationships are suffering because of the suppositions we hold? What relationships may never be formed until our pre-concieved notions are put aside and we let others speak for themselves?
What about my relationship with God?
What assumptions am I bringing into my relationship with God that hold little, if any, water simply because its ‘what I heard in church’? Or, what my parents, friends, or professors said. Or, what nobody said. What happens to the way I live my life if I hold ‘familiar assumptions’ of God? If I never check those ideas, never ask God about them, if I never let God speak for himself… That’s not a relationship.
That’s more like….well, more like just an idea.
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Posted in First and Foremost at 1:11 pm by Administrator
Welcome to 1 Timothy Ministries Public Blog
Every change in life, throughout the course of history, begins with a movement. It is our desire that the change we enact by the movements we make would be glorifying to God, and would build up the body of Christ. We believe that being a Christ-follower is of primary importance, and because of this we also believe that being a Christ-knower is the foundation of our following. We hope that the posts included on this blog are both uplifting, and challenging.
“Every moment is an opportunity to share the metamorphis of grace.”
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